The End of Japan and Why I'm Done Traveling (for now-ish)

Apr 10
9 min read

I had to wait to write this because I changed my plans to come home early, but wanted to surprise a few people. My last month in Japan was tumultuous. After my beekeeping stint, I went to help with a mountain lodge in a town called Nikko, about three hours north of Tokyo. I'd felt pretty funky at the beekeeper's place--I think just so much going through my head. My friend Sam said "stop thinking so much" and that was instrumental in helping me feel better.

To get to Nikko from Tokushima (beekeeper) I took a 19-hour ferry, a metro in Tokyo, and then a 3 hour bullet train up to Nikko. So I left Tokushima at 9 AM and arrived in Nikko around 11 AM. Woof. When I stepped off the train and started walking to the hotel, a huge smile broke across my face. It felt really right. Seeing mountains again, starting a new adventure--I was excited. I got to the hotel and set myself up. I hadn't eaten a thing, but my new host (Ken) asked me to come and help him and his employee pick up firewood from a local guy. The employee, Rakesh, manages his other hotel and is from Nepal! I was so excited and spoke a little bit of Nepali but he looked so uninterested in me. Aha. Anyway.

That night I hung out with the guests at the lodge, who were super social and we played guitar and dinked around, it was great. I realized how good it felt to be back in an atmosphere that I felt easily comfortable in--it makes a huge difference when you can communicate with people from similar cultures. I also decided when I left Osaka weeks before that I wanted to stop drinking, until I figured out why I drink at all. It feels so good to not be under the effects of anything.

For the next week I helped with firewood stuff, housekeeping, and cleaning the kitchen (a hoarder's twenty-year collection). I worked about 4-6 hours per day and then would hang out with the guests, notably Jake (Canada) and Mia (Germany). We went on some lovely walks and played lots of card games. Jake ended up staying to volunteer a bit which really helped motivate me and we had a great time, we cooked and played guitar and explored the area. Then about a week in, Ken had a minor stroke which sent him to the hospital for seven or eight days. Luckily he was okay, no paralysis or anything, but it meant that Jake and I were alone to take care of the place. Actually that was all okay, but the morning Jake left (as well as all the guests at the time), Ken came back from the hospital and I found myself anxious that he would have an accident at any moment.

I took the day off and that afternoon Ken and his manager had a really heated shouting argument that triggered a panic attack for me, and I left the building immediately. By the time I came back, I was set on leaving soon thereafter; it no longer felt like I was in a good atmosphere.

I also realized, with the help of my therapist back home, that I've lost intention for my travels. When I left for Mongolia I had so much curiosity and energy, and was excited to see drastically new ways of life and experience the new, but I've lost touch with that. Somewhere in Nepal I started to feel a bit lost, maybe after my program was canceled, and I don't think I've had my fire back since then. Instead of leading with intention, I tried to find intention once I was already doing something, which I'm proud of myself for trying but I've realized is not good for me.

There's also this question of me trying to prove something to others. I don't like when others tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing, or get all judgy. Some people told me I need to go to grad school before I forget everything, and others said I should keep traveling while I'm young and uncommitted. What I do is no one's choice but my own. I highly value input that people give me along the way, but maybe it's better if I have a solid idea before I ask for peoples' input. Honestly I've learned that it goes a long way to ask someone if they want your advice before giving it. Or wait until it's been asked for. For me to work on too.

So anyhow I pulled up my big girl pants and realized I DO want to go to grad school. I love using my brain and helping others and that's what I want to do, and it's not to make anyone happy but myself. And since I realized that, I've had so much more energy. I got my drive back, and I booked a flight out of Japan. In the meantime I left Nikko, and to Jake's advice went down towards Shizuoka. I stayed in a tiny village called Matsuzaki, in a wonderful guest house (reminiscent of the house in Totoro) operated by a guy name Ryota-san. It was perfect---it rained several days that I was there, got dark early, and was a bit chilly, which is all conducive to applying for grad schools with only one week before the deadline.

I still found time to enjoy the area. I spent a day biking up and down the coast, checking out view points, sitting by the ocean, and eating great fish. Another day, I met a lovely French couple at the guesthouse and we took the bus to Shimoda to walk around; the weather was so lovely and we had a great time looking at all the sea creatures buried in the rocks.

I then went to a town called Kawaguchiko, where I stayed at the base of Fuji for five more days. It was cloudy the first few days, so I couldn't see anything and was once again motivated to stay indoors and work on my applications. By the fourth day we got a view and it was great to bike around the lake nearby and sit in the sun. I also met this lovely woman Helen who is super connected in the bluegrass world and was going to Tokyo to see her students perform at a country bar. She invited me with, so the next night when I arrived back in Tokyo we met up and had a crazy night with the band afterwards. All such talented young lads and lasses and we had a lovely time karaoke-ing and billiards-ing and eating ramen until 6 in the morning.

It felt like I could actually enjoy my time there, now that I had a new-found purpose and knew I'd be leaving soon. So I ate lots of sushi and ramen and gyoza and did some shopping, as one is supposed to do in Tokyo.

A special blurb about the sakura trees. I don't know if they are more beautiful than a typical flowering tree. But part of what makes them special is that, in the city, everyone slows down to enjoy a blip of nature at the same time. It creates such a peaceful atmosphere, full of love, that I hadn't seen in Tokyo until that point. People unwind. That's what made it special to me. And beyond that, it's a sign of spring! Winter is over! In comes the warmth, the sunshine! It's a universal pep talk.

So! Here's a recap on things I learned about Japan.

There is culturally rooted respect for everything around. It is said that everything is inhabited by a spirit, or could be, so everyone treats their surroundings kindly. You don't find litter hardly anywhere and places are well kept by surrounding locals.
Which is especially impressive given that there are no trash cans in public. There was a cult-terrorist attack decades ago where they put poisonous explosive gases in the public trashes, and since then the government got rid of all the trash cans. People just carry their trash until they go home and can dispose of it in a very sorted trash system.
There's a bird sound playing when you're waiting for the metro. It's supposed to make people less inclined to jump in front of oncoming trains.
When I was in Nikko there were signs all over the place for a woman that went missing about ten years ago. When I was doing some research about it, I found out that in Japan roughly 100,000 people go missing every year, called the evaporated people, or johatsu... but the police is not required to go looking for them unless there are signs they might be in danger... many of these people have disappeared of their own volition because they felt they were bringing dishonor to their families, through debt, joblessness, addiction, etc. Super interesting breakdown here: time.com/japan-missing-people-johatsu-evaporated/
The Japanese have a crazy work-life. It's seen poorly if an employee leaves before their boss, so many people stay in the office until late at night. This leaves little time for social lives or families.
Similarly, it means that many turn to alcohol to relieve their stress, drinking whisky and rice-based alcohols (like Shochu) and going to karaoke bars or izakaya (basically a Japanese pub).
Many people I met had a pretty crazy sense of humor; it's so uncensored. We were having family dinner with the owner, his daughter in law, and her friend, and her friend started talking about how male onsen are basically bean and sausage soup. Yuck. But it was funny that everyone thought it was funny. It wasn't weird to talk about at all. Or when I stayed with the beekeeper, he made some pretty crazy jokes. None of it would fly in a sensitive US setting.
People are so afraid of disrupting each other, especially in big cities like Tokyo, that I found the day-to-day interactions really robotic and depressing. I'm not a shy person but I felt like I had to be very timid there to fit in and be respectful. There also aren't really any swear words in the Japanese language. That's not to say they can't be vulgar, but I guess means they have to get creative with their insults.
Urban Japan is also very well setup for being alone. Lots of restaurants have solo tables/chairs/booths, because from what I understand a lot of people get so overwhelmed with work that they don't really have the energy to socialize all the time.
With food in mind, it is remarkably affordable to eat out in Japan. Little mom and pop shops exist all over the place. You're expected to eat quickly and get out so that the table can go to someone else, and sometimes they have timed pads at the table that kick you out of the ordering menu after a set amount of time. I suppose the quick turnaround contributes to the affordable prices.
It's widely known that you can't have tattoos at the onsen; this is because traditionally the only people with tattoos were yakuza (gang) members, and onsen didn't want them disrupting the peace. Interestingly enough, this rule doesn't apply in small fishing towns because many fishermen have tattoos so that if their body is found at sea, they can be identified. Woof.

Beyond this, it is truly a beautiful country. I think it's so easy for westerners to travel there because there are some similar cultural principles and the economy is strong. Things are remarkably clean, food is good, and people are kind and polite. Many people speak a little bit of English, and if not the translator apps are incredible. But in the end what I experienced wasn't really my speed. I think I'm done traveling for now too, until I have a specific reason I want to go somewhere.

So in my last day in Tokyo I submitted two grad-school apps for integrated design engineering; one for the Polytechnic Institute in Milan, and the other for TU Delft in Rotterdam. I'm still going to apply to a few more schools since those two programs are super competitive, and we shall just see! If I don't get in, that's ok, and I will find a job for the time being and try again next year. But it just feels good to know that I want to be working on consistent projects again. That said, I think that not using my brain regularly made it really easy to spiral and overanalyze myself and the world. I look forward to being kept busy enough to NOT do that. And sidenote about anxiety: I think the uncertainty in my life propagated my anxiety and now having some more clarity feels really good. On my way to Japan I felt pretty lost, and that was hands-down the most anxious I've ever felt on a plane. My flight back to Colorado felt so simple and calm because I think I was just excited to be home.

SOOOO anyway! Now I'm back in Colorado and holy heck does it feel good. My mama helped me out with travel points so my flight was a super simple direct flight from Tokyo to Denver. Coming back early also meant I got to surprise a few people and that was lovely. It just is so great to be back, see my friends and family, and be in a familiar culture. Although American small talk is taking some readjusting to.

I'm applying for summer jobs now, hopefully something where I can be in the mountains. I have interviews tomorrow with two different dude ranches (where people go to play cowboy for a week in the mountains) and it could be really cool. We'll see. I'm also waiting to hear back from a couple places in France. And if none of that works, I will find a job in Denver and live at my mom's. And that is pretty great too. All around I feel so fortunate for everyone around, for everyone I've met, and for all that is to come. So thank you everyone.

Lots o Love

Stella